I just spent an hour talking with a man who is putting together a program in advance of the one year anniversary of the Marshall Fire, which roared through my area last December 30. During our conversation, we focused on facts and timelines and then veered into emotions, stress, reactions as this anniversary approaches. We met at the library, just over a mile from my house. I walked, as it was a way to get some fresh air and some needed exercise given all the busy-ness and recent challenges of BA’s health challenges and the cleaning/clearing/sorting that is going on to create a main floor bedroom in our house.
Arriving home, I made a late lunch and while eating, read a few blogposts and took a look at my neighborhood facebook page. I discovered that there’s a wildfire now burning NW of Boulder in Sunshine Canyon. Apparently a structure fire has spread, and today’s gusty winds have created a wildfire. Some of the foothills neighborhoods are now being evacuated. Photos are posted of the smoke plume. The city of Louisville has posted that they are well aware of the fire, and at this time, there is no threat to the community and yes, they are watching. This fire is quite a ways away as the crow flies and fire travels, direct impact is highly unlikely.
And the morass of feelings is real. I was already sensitized having just reviewed my journey from the day of the fire to now, and I walked home into a fairly stiff wind, reminiscent of “fire day”. And now there’s a fire. Sad, scared, mad, anxious, tired, tired, and tired. Did I mention I’m tired? So much going on, so much coping, doing what needs to be done. Yes, that’s how we do it, we carry on, take care of the matters to hand, and yes, there is always something more to be done, or another crisis. And yes, I am a person of great privilege and I don’t live in a war zone, and I have enough on most levels. And I’m tired.
I’m reminded of the days when I was a practicing physician and it was my turn to be on call for the weekend. Sometimes the calls just kept coming and coming and coming, and I recall a few times when I’d get another and I’d pull the blankets over my head and cry for a few seconds. Then I’d get up, answer the page, head to the hospital if necessary and go on with my professional life. Sometimes one is just tired, and being a responsible adult feels overwhelming. And so it goes.
I do hope the fire is controlled soon, and that there is minimal loss and damage. It’s clear from my neighbors’ posts and comments that we are all tired and edgy. Time to fill up my car, and check the go bags. Highly unlikely, but I’ve heard that song before. Peace and healing to us all.